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It sounds to me like you are not happy w/ your marriage... but also that you dont want to be a mother. When you decide to become a mother, of course we all hope for healthy children, but you should be prepared to deal with whatever God gives you. I understand it can be frustrating and stressful to be a parent, especially when you are doing it alone.. (Im a single mother of 4 kids, 5 and under) and there will always be challenges throughout life. I think IF you want to work on your marriage so that you will be happier in it, then you should really talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and what you can BOTH do to work towards making things better. If you are both working full time and you are handling all of the childrens appointments and activities, then maybe you should ask him to cook dinner on the days/nights when you are out w/ the children. Or ask him to take turns with you taking the kids to the DR. I know how hard it can be to TRY to get your husband to help you out, but thats why Im no longer with my childrens father. If you want the relationship to work, you have to participate in it, and if you dont want to be a husband/father, then See ya!! I was doing it all by myself anyway, so what did I need him for? It sounds like you are in a similar situation. I dont have teenagers yet, but I think the same rule applies as when they are younger. They can only do what you let them get away with. If they know they have the power/control, then they will continue to walk all over you. I dont know what kinds of punishment/discipline you can use for a teenager, but try taking things away or making her go to her room, etc..Explain that her behavior is unexceptable.
I hope you get things worked out soon. |
| posted by Amy on 02/03/2009 09:12 AM
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You sound really frustrated and fed up. im sorry you are having a ruff time. i think you have you husband do some of the running around with the kids and take some of the load off.
Counceling would be good for you too, somewhere to go and vent and maybe help with a few solutions.
as far as your teenage daughte. well time have changed but i would not be doing much extra stuff for her and when she asks why i would tell her flat out "until your attitude changes the only thing i am going to do is what i have to do, food and shelter.." stick to your guns. the attitude comes with disrespect. trust me i have older kids too and disrespect is something i cant stand.
MICHELLE |
| posted by michelle on 02/03/2009 10:37 AM
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| Thanku for your in sight.but not true.i love being a wife an mom.i have overwhelming amounts of stress.it has nothing to do with my kids having disabilities.of course i love them no matter what.did u look at my profile? my daughter is my 4th teen.i have them up to 21.teens dont care about sending them to the room.they would laugh at that. ive taken her cell an laptop.shes on restriction.cant go anywhere.thats all u can do.i have problems yelling and spanking when necessary.but shes too old for spankin.and i love my hubby.hes just lazy and not adventurous.i thought this was for venting not critisizing.until u have teens.u have no idea what its like.not to mentin most moms on here dont work fulltime like i do or have kids with disabilitities.u try doing it all* |
| posted by amanda on 02/03/2009 02:09 PM
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| Thanku for your in sight.but not true.i love being a wife an mom.i have overwhelming amounts of stress.it has nothing to do with my kids having disabilities.of course i love them no matter what.did u look at my profile? my daughter is my 4th teen.i have them up to 21.teens dont care about sending them to the room.they would laugh at that. ive taken her cell an laptop.shes on restriction.cant go anywhere.thats all u can do.i have problems yelling and spanking when necessary.but shes too old for spankin.and i love my hubby.hes just lazy and not adventurous.i thought this was for venting not critisizing.until u have teens.u have no idea what its like.not to mentin most moms on here dont work fulltime like i do or have kids with disabilitities.u try doing it all* |
| posted by amanda on 02/03/2009 02:09 PM
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| Thanku for your in sight.but not true.i love being a wife an mom.i have overwhelming amounts of stress.it has nothing to do with my kids having disabilities.of course i love them no matter what.did u look at my profile? my daughter is my 4th teen.i have them up to 21.teens dont care about sending them to the room.they would laugh at that. ive taken her cell an laptop.shes on restriction.cant go anywhere.thats all u can do.i have problems yelling and spanking when necessary.but shes too old for spankin.and i love my hubby.hes just lazy and not adventurous.i thought this was for venting not critisizing.until u have teens.u have no idea what its like.not to mentin most moms on here dont work fulltime like i do or have kids with disabilitities.u try doing it all* |
| posted by amanda on 02/03/2009 02:09 PM
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I wasnt trying to criticize, simpling responding, based on what I took from the situation. Maybe it was just the way you worded it, but it initially sounded as if you didnt like having to run the kids back and forth to appointments.
After my initial observation, I continued to try to help you or give advice as to what you could do to better the situation. I wasnt trying to criticize you at all.
And if you read the enitre post, you would see that I am a single mother of 4 small children, and I DO work full time as well. It is a struggle for me on a daily basis w/out any of my children having disabilities, so Im sure it is hard for you as well. That is why I suggested talking to your husband and letting him know what needs to be done to make things easier on you, and for you to be happy.
No, I dont have a teenager but I believe it all depends on the parents and how things are dealt with in the home. |
| posted by Amy on 02/03/2009 02:23 PM
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My daughter is only 5 months old so I cant relate, but I can say anyone who says they absolutely love the responsibilites of being a mom 24/7 is lying. We all have our moments (I've only had one so far, but know there are more to come) when you feel like you physically just cant do it all anymore. You become physically and emotionally drained, so yes, I think what you are feeling is normal but what are you going to do? I think its just part of life. Men are just different and if you dont tell him (in a nice way at first) to help you out, it aint gonna just come out of him.
As far as bed issues, I can honestly say I've never had that problem w/ my daughters dad. In fact, that's the only place we didnt have problems. I do believe it takes two to either make it work or not. IDK, unless he's like a 15 second man or something, why not try spicing things up? I think we as women have the upper hand in this dept. I know its' hard to do so w/ kids because of both time and privacy, but you have to make time for your marriage and this is a HUGE part of marriage.
And your daughter? ah TEENAGERS. I dont have them but I was once one myself. Your daughter will do as much as you let her get away with. And hey, if she thinks she's old enough to talk to you in a disrespectful and mean way (not that it's right no matter how old u are but I think she feels like she's grown and knows it all now) then she's old enough to start taking on more responsibilites. Adult responsibilities. Being an adult isnt just saying what you want when you want to say it. Have her help you around the house. It will not only teach her responsibilty but keep her busy for a while and out of your hair. |
| posted by April on 02/03/2009 03:39 PM
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I do have older kids.. 13,15 along with a 3 yr old
my 3 is horible with the mouth and always has been. l got tired and gave her a got shot of reality last year. i told her i would provide, shelter, food and tranportation only as necessary. she live in my home. phone and tv, computer and all was a privaledge. she was not aloud to anything unless her chores were done. we went back and forth for months till she realized i was not giving in. she started helping around the house she got a priveldge, she ran her mouth the privledge was revoked. she hated me for months. but when you have teenagers that are out of control they need a good wake up call.
also i do think counceling is great cuz you have someone to talk to and maybe give suggetions. this place is here to vent as i feel every one needs too.
I am also work granted i work from home but i work so i can sympathize with you! |
| posted by michelle on 02/03/2009 04:49 PM
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Amanda,
I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I have had some experiences like that. I work in childcare full time and most of the time my husband will make me take my son everyday, even when he is off. I am also in college, so every day that I do have off is spent catching up on homework and cleaning the house. When my husband and I finally have a day off together, he just wants to sit on the couch and watch T.V. He is in a band, so he is gone 3 nights a week until about 5 a.m. and he works full time, so we rarely see each other. When I want to do something or get upset that he doesn't spend more time with me, he calls me a drama queen. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am 6 months pregnant, he refuses to help me at all with that. I have health problems and had them with my last pregnancy so I have back spasms and leg cramps, and he will not rub my back!! Maybe I am a drama queen, but he helped make the baby, you would think that he could give me one backrub during the pregnancy. Anyway, sorry to turn that into my vent. If you need someone to talk to, you can message me. |
| posted by Sarah on 02/04/2009 09:52 AM
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| Sarah, My daughter's dad was the biggest jerk w/ me when I was pregnant & many people have told me that they've heard of men "resenting" their wives while they are pregnant. I swear he was just mean for no reason. If I'd so much as tell him something he would squint his eyes and ask "What?" like I was a moron who's voice just annoyed him to no extent. Once my daughter was born he COMPLETELY changed. (Unfortunately by then it was too late as I left him my last month of pregnancy). I wonder if that's true though. I know my first two months of pregnancy I couldnt stand his smell (Not his cologne, just his personal smell). IDK, but there were times when he'd rub my back and feet and act all sweet for a while. I dont think you're being a drama queen at all. How dare you want a back rub when you are carrying around 20+ extra pounds carrying HIS child, right? How dare you want some attention when your hormones are all out of whack, you're tired, feeling fat and in my case feeling handicapped at times. Funny how men think we act like babies when we're pregnant, but dont let them have a cold because they act like they're dying. If your husband doesnt like giving massages, then he can pay for you to go have a professional one. I know there are places that have massages especially for pregnant women. Men are just selfish. And dont you just love the face they make when they do one little thing like wash the dishes (for the first time in a YEAR!) ha ha ha.. My daughter's dad says "look, I washed all the dishes" I swear I feel like telling him "All by yourself? What a good boy!" Geez, he acts like he deserves a trophy for something I do every day! |
| posted by April on 02/04/2009 03:18 PM
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| April, thanks for your reply. The other day my husband and I went out to dinner for the first time in a while and I ordered a steak medium rare, then changed it to well because I remembered my doctor told me that I shouldn't have "rare" in my vocab right now. The waitress asked if I was sure and I said, yeah I'm pregnant and can't really eat anything rare right now and my husband said out loud, "that's not true, she just wants attention". ???? I was speechless. |
| posted by Sarah on 02/04/2009 07:45 PM
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| Yes, normally it would make you want to stab him w/ the steak knife, but when I was pregnant it made me want to cry each time he was mean. His mother told me once that her oldest son was like that w/ his wife w/ the first two pregnancy's (They've been married now for almost 20 yrs). That he couldn’t even stand the sight of her. He would actually go spend the night at his mom’s house and literally say he couldnt stand her. There’s a huge gap between their 2nd and 3rd child and the joke was the 3rd baby wasn’t his bcuz he didn’t despise his wife during that pregnancy. Now I understand my “mother-in-law” was just trying to make me feel better but at the time I felt like telling her “Wow you sure raised some real gentlemen!” Now, I’m not excusing their behavior. I strongly believe their entitled to their emotions, but not entitled to act like jerks because of it. My friends husband actually told her “wow, if your this big now, imagine by the time your 9 months!?” when she was in her second trimester. And he didn’t just put his foot in his mouth bcuz he’d constantly make her feel bad about her weight. He was never like that before nor was she after he had the baby. Towards the end of my pregnancy I started to fight fire w/ fire (which is why I had to leave). In you instance I would have said something like “oh yes, he should know. He’s a doctor. Oh no wait, he’s not. He’s just a mechanic for his family business” Yes all just to embarrass him, too. I'm not suggesting you be mean bcuz it just made our relationship nastier, but I have to admit it made me feel good. |
| posted by April on 02/04/2009 08:42 PM
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