| HELP!! Teaching your child to sleep |
Hello everyone. This is my first post and I need honest advice - desperately. My husband and I are at a loss about teaching our son to fall asleep.
A little back story here: My son is now 37 weeks old and a bit over 18lbs. Due to me developing toxemia, he was born a micro preemie at 28+5 weeks gestation, 2lbs 3ozs. He came out breathing on his own, screaming, flailing around and all together pissed off. His APGARs were 8 & 9. He was perfectly healthy - just little. He came home 7 weeks later and has been super healthy ever since - he's never even had a cold yet and has been teething since April.
Currently our bedtime ritual is a jar of baby food at 8-8:15pm, a warm bath from 8:30-8:45pm, then a warm bottle and bed around 9pm. (This ritual is all contingent on him of course. If he starts acting really tired early we of course start the bedtime ritual early. We've put him down as early as 6:30pm before.) We feed our son his bottle until he falls asleep. Well this is beginning not to work so well. A few times a week he is not falling asleep until after 10-10:30pm. It's like his little brain just won't shut off. It can take up to 8 ounces of warm formula to get him to slow down and go to sleep.
I know at this age I am supposed to stop the bottle feeding to get him to go to sleep. That is where I'm stuck. I don't know what is normal and I'm completely against crying it out. It just tears me up and I sit and cry the whole time he cries because I just want to go to him and help him. I'm his mom for god's sake - I WILL NOT IGNORE MY SON'S CRIES.
We've read all the advice about crying it out and have tried 3 times now to let him cry it out. First off, my son does not "cry it out." He cries and screams for about 15 minutes then hyperventilates and chokes. I will not let him go further than that - it's too scary. All the doctors say, because of his severe prematurity, do not let him cry it out.
I've tried to solicit advice from all the moms in my family and the biggest problem I see in other parents (this site included) is no one will talk honestly about their kids. No one will just look at you and honestly say, the first year or so is an endless, sleep deprived, depressing nightmare so try and tough it out one second at a time. Other parents want to come off as being perfect with perfect kids, perfect lives, yadda yadda yadda. That's all crap and I really need some bare bones honesty here.
What I'm looking for is war stories from other mothers who have gone through this. I'd like to hear your horrible experiences so I can at least feel normal. Right now I feel like the crappiest mom on the planet. I do not want to hear the same song and dance about soft music, dark rooms, rainbows, unicorns, and seances. I do not want fake stories about you not having any problems with your kids.
Keep in mind, the most important thing this site offers is the anonymity to be honest. Really honest. I need help here - not hand holding.
I'm feeling very alone here! How did you get through it?
Kimberly |
| See also: babies, sleep, cio |
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| I feel for you, I have a 23 month old and had troubles getting him to go to sleep for the longest, I did have to let him cry till he puked a couple times and i would clean it up, calm him down and sometimes put him back to bed with a cup of warm milk (to this day he prefers the chill knocked off it at night) then there was the times I laid down with him till he fell asleep then put him in his bed. He will usually go to bed without much of a problem now but he rarely sleeps all night, we get up around 3 (if i am lucky ) for a cup of milk and he goes right back to sleep. I am trying to ween him from the milk by adding a small amount of milk to water but he doesn't go for straight water yet. I wish i could help you with some good advise but I think all kids are different and you have to do what you feel best. I am sure you are a good mom, everything can't be blamed on us, sometimes it is just not in the cards for everything to go our way. Anyway my horror story is that in the last 23 months i have only had a handful of full uninterrupted sleep, I think you just get used to it after a while. GOOD LUCK |
| posted by Sherry on 08/19/2009 |
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| Oh lord, you are NOT alone!!! While your up at night with yours, there a million other mothers up with their children questioning their ability to parent this screaming monster. My daughter is now 15 months, and has been a terror at night, now when its time for bed, I say goodnight honey, Im off to the torture chamber...from the moment she was born until just recently...like 4 days ago...she was waking every 2-3 hours wanting to nurse. She never took a bottle, never anything but my boob would put her to sleep. I am also super sensitive to crying babies and I can't stand it, neither can her father, so I always gave in. It was a catch-22, let her cry, noone sleeps, or nurse her to sleep, get 2 hours which in my eyes was better than none. Not to mention shes been teething since 3 months, now she has 14 teeth. Regardless, I wish I had the hard heart to let her cry alone but I didn't and don't. Now at 15 months, Ive been trying to wean her for almost 4 months now which also sucks, after about 2 weeks of lying down with her and saying "Time to sleep" and rubbing her back or just trying to keep her from crawling away, she will finally fall asleep. For a while she would wake to nurse and I would repeat my mantra of, go to sleep...and she finally would. Now she'll wake at sunrise, but I am now getting a bit more sleep. Teething is an impossible time to sleep train, and the ferber method just isn't for some moms. Ignore the advice from those who do what you know you can't do...you know inside what is best for YOUR baby, they don't. I've questioned my sanity at three in the morning, and deposited her into the arms of her father saying I can't do this anymore and gone to smoke a cigarrette while she coninued to scream the whole time. Yes, thats right, I smoked while nursing, shame on me. We all do the best we can under the circumstances at hand. Keep on keepin on, I'd say it gets easier but in my honest opinion is just gets different as they get older. You are certainly not the only mother cursing at her baby in the middle of the night even though you know its not their fault. Ok, maybe now Im revealing a bit too much, so good luck, and peace for now |
| posted by jen on 08/24/2009 |
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| OK, horror story. My Niece did not sleep through the night untill she started Kindergarten. Through the night as in 9-10 hours, with waking inbetween 3-5 times. She stopped taking naps, if that what you call a 20 minute cat nap, around 16 months. NEVER took more than 1-3 20 minute naps since the day she was born. Shes 8 now, and still has a hard time going down. There is a positive to this note. Kids who seem"hard headed" tend to make great leaders! My niece is very well known at school, does well, top of her class, student body rep 2 years in a row. So theres your horror story and a good one too! |
| posted by valarie on 08/26/2009 |
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Ok, I'm going to be completely honest. I have some sleep-deprivation "horror" stories but I also have had some success along the way, so I'm not going to cut that out! I feel really strongly about this issue of MY sleep and my baby's sleep BECAUSE I've gone through all the sleeplessness crap!
First of all, my first born was a hard-core breastfeeder and nursed to sleep all the time. The problem was that it was extremely hit-and-miss. Sometimes I'd spend hours just trying to coax him to sleep, and then I'd sleep right next to him to KEEP him asleep! It was a nightmear! I couldn't leave him with anyone because no one else could put him to sleep!
I was also tired and people would comment on how tired I looked.
Still, he was the first, and being completely HONEST, we all probably do things differently with the first then the rest. I think a lot of the reason we're willing to try so hard to avoid the tears is because we have the luxury of time and lack of other responsibility.
By that I mean, when no. 2 comes, it's a whole different story. I didn't have the luxury of rocking, holding, soothing and nursing my little girl to sleep 5 times a day because I had a toddler who could hurt himself in the other room!
Now, at that point it I didn't feel like a bad mom at all for letting my baby girl cry a little if need be because I had to think of the big picture. But I still didn't want her to cry every single nap time, so I started doing some reading other than attachment-parenting, since that wasn't helping OR practical.
Then I began to do some research on children's sleep needs and I realized that my children needed more sleep then they were getting.
This is SO crucial to their development and health. Their little bodies release growth hormones in their sleep. And we all know how important is for the immune system. (My kids were getting a lot of colds even though we ate healthy).
Another thing I realized was that I was SO DANG TIRED after my second was born because I couldn't nap every time she napped (like I could with my first).
I was literally driving down the road and my eyes were trying to close themselves. I had headaches most mornings.
This is no way to live! Not to mention, it's just not safe for me or my children!
How would I feel if my house caught fire because I was so sleep deprived I forgot to turn off the stove?
Seriously, once I had this thought it really jolted me out of my excuses for letting my kids run bedtime.
Now, I'm not an advocate for crying-it-out AT ALL.
I believe we need to be sensitive to what our children's needs (each one is different) as far as when they start getting sleepy (doesn't always look like yawning and eye-rubbing!) and how to help them wind down.
But the actual SKILL of falling asleep on their own *must* be learned.
And I truly believe that we, as parents, can help them learn to fall asleep on their own (and then they're able to sleep through the night because they know how to get themselves back to sleep).
I've read several books and lots of Dr. Sear's articles on no-cry sleep solutions and such, but none of it worked. And in my opinion, it's never going to work as long as your child is dependent on you holding their hand until they fall asleep.
So anyway, I seriously give this book advice to all my friends, "Good Night, Sleep Tight" addresses EVERYTHING you can think of, and I still refer to it regularly to keep the kids well-slept and happy.
It's not a disguise for cry-it-out, as some people say, because you never have to leave your child crying.
Hope this is helpful. As I write this I should actually be napping as I actually have both kids asleep at the same time! Amazing! :) But just to even that out a little-- last night my 1 year old woke at 12:30am, 3:30am, 5:30am and then up at 6am. Phew. I think she's teething/growth spurt right now so we're making adjustments.
I think ALL parents go through a lot more sleep-deprivation than they'd like, and it's a journey, a process, and each of our children will have different needs. Just like each family has different needs, and each mom.
Be encouraged! |
| posted by Heather on 08/28/2009 |
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wow, it's nice to read everyone else has sleep problems..I have a 15 month old son and I'm currently successfully training him to sleep. we used to rock him to sleep and give him a bottle and then put him in his crib. then when he woke up at 1130 we'd bring him into our bed for the rest of the night. i finally got tired of rocking a 25 pound baby and sleeping with him, so I read the Baby Whisperer book and adapted one of the cases to my own situation. you need to be intune with your baby to know which method will work. if you've tried cry it out at least once (like I did, which ended up in a bloody lip from the crib railing) then you'll need to sleep in the baby's room on a blowup bed for about a week to reassure them and gain their trust back fully. here's what I did: I put his crib mattress on the floor and placed it in the corner so that two of the sides were blocked by walls and the third was beside his crib and my blowup bed blocked the fourth side. at bedtime (around 730) i'd give him a bath, and then read him a story while he had a bottle and we both sat on his mattress. when the story's done, I'd put the book out of sight, turn down the lights and say sleepytime. I sit beside his mattress and rub his back while saying soothing things like "it's sleepytime now, you're just going to sleep" and "mommy's here, I'm not going anywhere until you fall asleep" the first night, he cried for 35 minutes while I did this and then he lay down and fell asleep to a lullabye. second night: 25 mins, third night: 20 mins fourth night: 30 mins and the fifth night was 15 mins. afternoons are the worst, they usually take 30-45 mins and sometimes bedtime even takes an hour, but it's better than rocking and I am happy to know that I am teaching him to fall asleep in his own bed. usually he will go to sleep at around 8ish, then not wake until 2 and then 6. after that he wakes up at 730 to start the day.the three most important rules of this method are:
1) don't let them stand up! if they do, gently pick them up and return them to the mattress, lying down if possible (my son arches his back when I lay him back down)
2) don't let him get off the bed, if you need to, pick him up and place him back on the bed. this sends the message that bedtime is not negotiable
3) try to limit eye contact. this shows them that it's not playtime.
obviously the times and everything need to be tailored to your baby, even putting the mattress on the floor might not be for you, depending on the age and your preference. but after trying so many different methods, i was happy that I finally found one that worked, even if it meant I had to be somewhat creative in my approach. |
| posted by Melissa on 09/06/2009 |
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