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| Guilt |
| I'm reading another little booklet from www.rbc.org. It's called When We Don't Measure Up: Escaping the Grip of Guilt by Jeff Olson. I'm finding me all over this this little book, and Mr. Olson really peels back the layers of why we think and act like we do. And it's not what you'd think.
I'm always wanting people to see halos and stars when they look at me. If I was a receoptionist, I was the best damn receptionist that company ever had. When I became a mother, I searched out resources and learned about child development and parenting so I could be the best mother this world has ever known (I haven't made t to that status yet!) And if my performance wasn't sterling; if I made a mistake that caused even the least little bit of trouble I felt VERY guilty and suffered nausea and stomach pain - partly because I caused someone an inconvenience and partly because now they had seen evidence that I'm not perfect (not that they thought that before the mistake, but now they've come face-to-face with my fallibility). I was/am afraid of being rejected for not being good enough (which to me means perfection). I was always surprised when those who witnessed the effects of my imperfection didn't change the way they treated me. They still relied on me and trusted me. They still liked me. But I was afraid that they were just hiding their disappointment and contempt. I'm a mess; I know it.
In this booklet, Mr. Olson has been able to dig through the layers of my mentality like a psychiatric archeaologist. He explains that I do this behavior, because of that thought process. And the reason I have that thought process is because my relationship with myself is skewed another way. And that is because....... Anyway, the bottom line is my relationship with God is out of alignment. I've known for some time that I needed to pay attention to my relationship with the Lord and quit ignoring Him. I think this writing may be the impetus for me to get into action.
I'm tired of feeling inferior, I'm tired of trying to show perfection to all but my closest friends. I want to feel confident and forgiven. I want to feel loved unconditionally, no matter how I screw up.
I'll keep you posted.
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| See also: God, guilt |
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