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| I'm so lost |
I'm trying to do the right thing for my daughter but have lost sight of what that even is anymore. She is now working! First job and she is doinlg wonderful from what I can tell. But it is the ONLY thing she is doing. And honestly the thought of her having access to so much money is scary. She has a lot of friends that drink, do drugs, go to raves and such. She is working WAY more than I thought she would be but at this point in the game I don't feel like I can really discourage her from working the amount she is.
SHE of course see's nothing wrong and doesn't notice the change in her behaviors. Thank you Bipolar!!!
I have to deal with my boyfriend who is such a wonderful man but dealing with the fact he can hardly stand to be around her let alone any of her friends is difficult. It's like I have this wonderful man but I can't talk to him about her at least not with out frustration arrising. We have different views and I can't really NOT talk to him about her either.
Feel alone in this. Wish she would just pull it together..............SO FRUSTRATING!
I know I have so many codependant behaviors and it sucks. I'm not near as bad but I know they are still there. I defend her to him, I don't tell him things because it is easier or I even lie about what was said just to avoid conflict. I feel like I'm not good enough, or not being a good mother when he says "you should...........why don't you.........I would............"
Anyone understand me? |
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| Answers: |
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Hi Heidi,
I haven't gone through anything exactly like this, but don't think for a second your not a good mother. When our kids get to a certain age, there is only so much we can do. When your boyfriend says "you should....why don't you.....I would....." maybe he is just giving his opinion and not necessarily saying your not a good mom. I think you may be a little tough on yourself and that is natural. Keep in mind that she is almost fully developed and you have to think back about the way you raised her. You sound like you really care and I'm guessing you always have. So, that tells me that you probably raised her really well. Knowing that, you should be confident that she will make the right decisions most of the time. If she doesn't, you'll be there for her. Just have faith that you raised her right and everything will work out. I hope this helps a little bit. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you are doing ok. You are a good mom, just remember that always.
All the best,
Kelli |
| posted by Kelli on 09/26/2010 |
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| hi heidi. first, you really only have any real control over yourself, but as you catch yourself being codependent or establishing boundaries with your boyfriend, your daughter will observe this growth and it will impact her. she sounds like a teenager, and although it is natural to want her to figure it out now, it isn't very realistic. she has to learn through experience and this is when she should be learning, through trial and error. your real strength is in working on yourself, and being nice to yourself. center yourself and she will benefit. |
| posted by angela on 09/28/2010 |
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| Thank you both for your comments. I am reading codependent no more and it gives me hope because I see how much I have grown in NOT being codependent. I've recently drawn some pretty harsh lines because (as I told her) can't change her behavior I can change mine which includes not allowing her to manipulate or take advantage of me any longer. She knows that I would do anything for her and has always used that to her advantage. I've been trying to NOT be my mother from the day she was born!! Now that I'm changing she says I'm not acting like her mother anymore. I came home this week one day to a total mess and told her to come home and clean it up or I was clearing out her room. (she doesn't lift a finger around the house) I have to force her to clean her room because its unsanitary! The VERY next day I come home to my house reaking of pot!! I called her and told her if I ever walked in and smelt it again I wouldn't be calling her but instead packing her stuff. I've told her many times NO DRUGS in my house! She is about 2 years worth of credits behind in school. She is supposed to be a senior this year. She is doing online schooling and in order to STAY enrolled (not pass, just stay enrolled) 5% of the assigned work has to be completed. She's not even doing that. I recently sat down with her and said " why don't you just move out? Because you are only going to force me to kick you out". She calls me a bitch over the phone of course, because she knows that won't fly if she says it to my face. Yet, through all this and the last month or so of me being really tough on her she says "do you really think that's going to motivate me?" then starts in on the whole life isn't worth living....blah blah blah, hoping I'll back down. Well I'm not and while it seems to be getting her attention it scares me to death. I'm afraid of loosing her forever by being too tough on her and her hating me. It's hard to have the love of a mother in me but can't stand her as a person! Truly THE toughest job in the world!!!!! I just keep reading my book and try to remember I need to be healthy, I need to take care of me, both emotionally and physically. And just keep praying she will mature and grow up at some point and we will be able to have a relationship again. Until then I'm her enemy and someone who is just in her way. God help me!! |
| posted by Heidi on 11/06/2010 |
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Heidi,
First off, take a deep breath. All of the craziness you are experiencing, seems to stem from control issues. Your daughter wants control and she is expressing it loud and clear.I had issues with my Daughter and Son when they were similar ages. Today I would die in an instant for both of them--back then, I didn't even like them. I could share horror stories with you that would make your hair stand up, and also think that your daughter isn't all that bad--however I don't want to write for the next decade--instead I will tell you, I will be 50 on January 17th and my son bought me and my husband cruise tickets for 4 nights. I promise you, it will get better, much better. ONE thing you must do, is have a few friends you can talk with (I understand the boyfriend isn't the best choice because he has issues with her as well). I will be happy to give you my phone number if you email me at soniamonica17@yahoo.com My friends were all I had back then, and it made a huge difference since we typically start looking at ourselves when are children act badly or make awful choices.You are guilty of that right this minute--I know from the book you are reading, and the fact that you feel you should list your own shortcommings, since that might have something to do with it---chances are they don't. Unless you also do drugs, stay out all night, and exhibit anything but responsible behavior (which I highly doubt). Keep the faith and try and keep your spirits up, lastly, please email me. Sonia |
| posted by Sonia on 01/05/2011 |
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Sonia,
Thank you so very much. I don't get on here too often but I will email you! It gives me hope to hear stories like yours, though I have to admit I haven't heard many.
Thank you again
Heidi |
| posted by Heidi on 01/20/2011 |
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Sonia,
Thank you so very much. I don't get on here too often but I will email you! It gives me hope to hear stories like yours, though I have to admit I haven't heard many.
Thank you again
Heidi |
| posted by Heidi on 01/20/2011 |
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Sonia,
Thank you so very much. I don't get on here too often but I will email you! It gives me hope to hear stories like yours, though I have to admit I haven't heard many.
Thank you again
Heidi |
| posted by Heidi on 01/20/2011 |
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