Come On!! -

Come On!!

Kids today are caudeld and eased through life, I am not that old but I remember when life was tough. When I was a kid and played on little league someone always lost! At my kids soccer games there are no loosers, what in the world does that teach them? On the question in "What kind of mom are you" where it says what would you do if it was bedtime and you kid wanted to watch a certain show......SEND THEM TO BED!!! That is what I do, I can't belive someone would actually let them "cuddle" on the sofa and hope they fell asleep. You might as well stand back thier whole life and "hope" they didn't grow up to be total loosers. Geeze, I really feel bad for those kids out there whose parents make things easy on them, they will have one rude awakening when the real world comes to get them. I for one will insist on a clean room, good grades, bed time, yes and no mam's, p's and q's, prayers at dinner, and the importance of brushing your teeth no mater whose loose, liberal, new math, mommy says I am wrong. And now that I have that off my chest I have to go check on my little man, who at 7:30 brushed his teeth and informed ME it was bed time, and make sure he has his blanky.

Routien people, it is the only way. Your the boss of your kids their not the boss of you.

Written by R

Posted on 12/29/2008

See all posts by R

Answers:

i totally disagree with nearly everything you said (except the bedtime prayers and teethbrushing)
i am not a schedule person and neither are my kids
we have never had a set bedtime...i let my 10-year-old choose when he goes to bed, reminding him that he has school to get up for...he never makes it past 11 and has great grades...some nights he goes to bed at 9...on the weekend or summer break he is often up til midnight (or later) because we have sleepovers and bake cookies all night or have family night watching movies in our pjs...my thirteen-month toddler has no bedtime...i let her wind down and when she's tired, she climbs onto my lap and goes straight to sleep...she always gets around 11 hours a night without a schedule...our routine is pretty flexible... i cuddle with my kids because i love them and i love showing them i love them...i am teaching them to listen to their bodies (when they feel tired, sleep....when they are hungry, eat...if they are sad, cry...if they are mad, yell)
i dont stress the clean room or the yes mam or any of that little stuff...i pick my battles...my stress level is less than anyone i know...my life is full of joy and happiness...yes, we also have our arguments, but it isnt over bedtime...its over whether or not they can spend the night with a friend (no way unless i know the parent really well) or if they can have the newest toy (probably not)
i dont spoil my kids...you said you feel bad for the kids of parents who make it easy on them...i say the world is eventually gonna be hard enough on them...i will protect them as long as i can...i practice attachment parenting...my kids have slept with me, cuddled with me and gone with me everywhere i go...they have never been with a babysitter or daycare...yet somehow i have managed to raise a son who is extrememly independant because he knows i am always there for him if he falls or fails...my daughter is only thirteen-months old, but she is secure enough in her role in this world to climb over baby gates, dive into her ball pit, chase our dog and eat any food we eat, no matter how strange...she can sleep in a crib or in my bed without fussing...
people just have different parenting styles
i totally respect the fact that your son is on a schedule...if that works for your family, that's wonderful, but please dont judge those of us who choose to love our children in a different way, to raise them in a different way, to shower them with the love and praise, kiss their boo-boos, let them express their emotions and have some control over their lives...and please dont feel bad for my kids...they will adjust to adult life just fine...i did

posted by nikki on 12/29/2008

You make it sound like I don't kiss boo boos or snugle with my son. I do. Probably more than most parents. And my son will be the first to tell me when he needs me, or when he doesn't. He is at the top of his class, and dosen't want for anything because he earns it. He is very attached to me, but I don't let that attachment run our lives. I would love to be a stay at home parent, and hopefully one day very soon I will, however, I will not let that determin if I am a good parent or not. We have a schedual because children do not have the capability to tell us all that they need all the time. I know if I let my son have free reign he would have raviolli and chocolate milk for every dinner and breakfast, he would stay up all night, and probably never remember to brush his teeth. Look I am not trying to start a "who's a better mom war" but I feel like if you let your CHILDREN make all your and thier important decisions who will they use as a role model? I can't think of many people outside of my own family and friends that I would want my son to mold himself after. No I am not choosing his life for him, I am simply guiding him in a positive direction. Kids get away with too much, example, teenage girls getting pregnant and flushing babies down the toilett, violence in school, blatant disregard for people who deserve respect. You can not deny that. Many parents raise thier children as an accesory, "look what my kid can do" I dont care about that..Is my child going to be a good person...that is what I go to bed thinking about. Not successful, rich, powerful, but respectful, kind, generous, intellegent, and grateful. That is what is most important and that is how you measure a good parent. I personally can't follow a schedual to save my life except my sons. I know that he is going to get up every morning at 5am no mater if he went to bed at 7pm or 3am. It is hardwired in his brain, so he has to be in bed at 730pm otherwise it is night terrors and trouble at school the next day. I would not be such a stickler about a clean room if when he has a night terror he didn't get up and travel, some of those toys can be quite dangerous. Yes mam and please and thank you, I will not bend it must be used daily in everyones not just childrens vocab. And if your not teaching your children that then I would really urge to start, because that is just rude. We don't argue, and my child isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks, he is perfectly happy being the kid and letting me be in charge. My life could not be better if I had designed it my self. I love my little man and he is absolutly the reason I get up every morning with a smile on my face. And yes for your information, sometimes we do watch movies in our pj's or play wii or have junk food for dinner. I am not judging you and if your kids turn out to be productive, respectful members of socity then I won't feel bad for them, but should they turn out to be a drain on the economy and this nation...well. One last thing, you said "they will adjust to adult life just fine...i did"; Or maybe they will just raise their children different from the way thier mom did them...I did.

posted by R on 12/29/2008

i'm sorry...i wasn't trying to attack your parenting style at all...i was just defending mine...if schedules work for your family, great...they just dont work for us...we are more of the free-range type of parents...i dont discourage them from testing their boundaries (that's how they figure out where the real boundaries are)...we do "please and thank you" but not the "yes mam/sir" its too rigid for us and i dont like being called mam by other people's kids or my own...i am only strict on things that could seriously injure them or someone else or someone else's property...for example, i let my 13-month toddler climb on furniture and my son has climbed trees since he was two...if they fall, it's not going to seriously hurt them...i dont let them climb on the roof (and believe me, my son has tried) or on other peoples furniture...i pick my battles and try not to stifle their creativity...i challenge them to challenge themselves...i put up bike/skate ramps...if he wants to jump them, he can...i allow him to have control over a lot of his own life...he helps me pick out and cook dinner...i allow him to "choose" from the choices i set out so he doesnt have a choice of ice cream for dinner (although we have been know to eat ice cream for dinner once or twice) these are things that arent that big of a deal in the longrun...who cares if they had ice cream for dinner back in 2003...my kids dont seem to need a schedule or suffer from the lack thereof...if they stay up late,they sleep in the next day...mine are not "hard-wired" to wake up at a certain time...the fact that yours is just tells me that you have done a great job at enforcing your schedule (that is a compliment for you, not an insult)...i personally dont like schedules...my son has learned how much sleep he needs at night and i give him the sense of responsibility to regulate that sleep (anyway, you can put them to bed but you cant force them to sleep)...he makes sure he gets around 8 hours for school (and usually more on the weekends cause we sleep in late)
we have practiced attachment parenting since before there was a term AP (at least before i heard of it)...my bed is always open to the kids, i take naps with my baby, do housework when they are asleep at night, carry my baby whenever she wants to be carried (i dont make her sit in a stroller if she wants me to hold her), breastfeed, do not believe in "punishment" but i do believe in discipline (we do time-out, rewards for good behavior, grounding of video games, distraction techniques, and loving but firm explanations of what is off-limits)...i raise my kids to be respectful and tolerant of any living creature no matter their religion, sexual orientation, color, creed or anyother matter...i raise them to be christians, to be kind, to be intelligent, but most of all, be themselves.
all i was saying was different people have different parenting styles...there is nothing wrong with yours (seriously,i admire how you are raising your son) but i see nothing wrong with how i raise my kids either...it is a choice i would make over again if i had to...please again, dont think i was insulting your parenting...i am just asking you not to insult mine

posted by nikki on 12/30/2008

Wow momma bear, soothe your self. I am really happy we have had this discussion, I would like to make a few more points. First and most importantly; the simple fact that you responded and responded so strongly to this post states loudly that you are not (I repeat) are not one of the parents I was referring to. After re-reading my original post, I do have to admit I may have come off a little harsh. I was responding to a number of specific situations. I do not belive that my way is the only right way, if your children are not emotionaly or physicaly injured as a resut of the way you raise them the go on with your bad self. lol The people that I was refering to would never respond to a post like that, or probably would not be a member of a community dedicated to raising your children. I have a perfect example of what I mean, but we have to go back a lot of years...When I was growing up I had this friend whose parents didn't really make him do anything, and he got whatever he wanted no matter his behavior. This particular person could not read either. Our SENIOR year of High School he had to wear tape on his left thum during football so he knew which way to go when the coach told him to break left or right. Now this was all blamed on dyslexia (sp). I tutored him in Senior English and discovered he COULD read but was just really lazy. Everyone let him get away with it and "read it for him" "did it for him", and I totally belive his parents were to blame. Had they made more of an effort for him maybe he wouldint still today more than ten years later not read. But no one wanted to take the time. I belive we have more incommon parenting wise than I realized. I don't belive in holding a baby TOO much, I do belive in positive reinforcement, rewards for good behavior, snuggling, ice cream for dinner (sometimes) and fun. I kinda made it sound like there is no fun in our house, but we actually do have a ton of it. I hate it when people embarass their children with discipline, I will never beat my kid in walmart, or yell at them, or make them feel worthless they learn nothing from that. My son does what he is told for the most part the first time, because he knows the rules. I am just appauled when I go to the park and another child is spitting at or saying disrespectful things to thier mother and she does nothing....just "now little johnny we don't act like that" That is not right don't reward them for disrespecting you PICK THEM UP AND LEAVE THE PARK!! Anyway please don't take anything I said as an insult, it is very clear that you love your children and are doing a wonderful job raising them.

posted by R on 12/30/2008

thanks
i also think we probably have a lot more in common than your original thread made it sound
i hate it when children are allowed to totally disrespect their parents or anyone else (i do raise mine to respect everyone, but i also give them the same respect)
i have big pet peeves with people who smack their children ESPECIALLY in public (yes i have smacked my baby on the hand or butt, but it is a last resort for a situation that could harm her or someone else, NOT just becasue she didnt do what i said WHEN i said to do it like some tyrants)
but i have just as big of pet peeves for those parents who totally ignore their childrens bad behavior or worse, reward it...example: if your child is throwing a tantrum (a big no-no in my house) DO NOT cuddle him and say OH ITS OK youre just tired (or teething, or hungry, or going through the terrible twos, threes, teens or anything else to dismiss their lack of parenting)...i dont believe in beating your kids for tantrums, but i DO believe in discipline during those times, or better yet, if it truely is because they are tired or hungry, dont let that happen to the poor child...it must be horrible to be so hungry or sleepy that you have a meltdown and then get punished or rewarded for the bad behavior to add further confusion...my friend picks her four-year-old up during a tantrum and cuddles him and that simply rewards his bad behavior so he does it daily...another of my friends "ignores" the bad behavior, so he just screams louder to the point that he disrupts everyone else...in my opinion, neither of these work...i personally take my child away from the situation, sit her down and calmly (or him when he was little) explain that when she calms herself down, we will return to the situation and i will help her fix whatever the problem is and not until she calms down do we return to the situation...it works well and she is only 13-months old
i do not believe in letting your kids be brats at all...
i dont believe in buying your children everything they want, or even in an allowance...my oldest sometimes gets money for special chores, but i dont rely on him to do my housework or raise his sister for me because those are my responsibilities, not his...his only responsibilities are to keeps his room reasonable (not clean, but safe in case of a fire lol...its his space to take care of as he sees fit...no food or drinks allowed) and picks up after himself in the common areas like the living room and front of the house because those are OUR areas and it has to suit all of us and DH and i prefer it to be cleaner than his room :)
i think i just misunderstood what you were venting about
i believe in raising your kids to be respectful and kind, but i will get them there with tons of cuddles, kisses for boo-boos, time-out over spanking, no schedules, very few rigid rules (other than safety and hygiene rules) and lots of praise for good behavior (it sounds like you are pretty close to the same with the exception of a schedule)
i hate to see teenagers alone at the mall, smoking, pregnant, disrespectful of themselves and everyone around them...it doesnt bother me one bit to see the piercings or funky clothes...that is totally a way of expressing themselves...i just hate to see no parents any where around...i dont think teenagers are mature or responsible enough to be alone in a mall (or a car or the movies or wherever)...i will be the parent who knows the parent at the sleepover or they dont go...i will be IN the mall with them (sure they can bring their friends)...AT the movie theater (maybe in a different movie, but there so i can check on them if need be)...even now, my son is 10, and i dont let him outside without being where i can see him at all times...i dont embarrass him in front of his friends, but he knows he has to stay where i can see him at all times...i feel sorry for the kids whose parents let them roam around not knowing where they are or who they are with...it must be so sad to feel like nobody cares about you enough to "mother" you...but i do all of this without schedules or routines and with tons of love
i apologize if we had a miscommunication
like i said, i respect all parenting types no matter our differences as long as there is love and respect
i just want to be given that same respect
not all parents who "baby" their kids are bad :)
thanks for the response
happy new year to you and your son

posted by nikki on 12/30/2008

Happy New Year to you too! You will be pleased to know we will be spending it (my son and I) playing with our 6 new baby puppies, playing wii, and watching kung foo panda. My hubby is out of town working, so it is just me and little man. Which is just fine with me, and I am sure there will be plenty of junk food since it is not quite time to stick to the New Year resolutions. lol

I couldn't agree more when it comes to kids (teenagers) roaming about and fending for them selfs. I was one of those kids my dad lived far away and mom was always gone to work etc. I never had anyone to rely on. My kid will probably get tired of my needing to mother and always know what is going on in his life. And I really agree with you about the parents who overreact or don't react to tantrums. Fortunatly I never had one single tantrum, but I do think that has to do with my son and I know each others boundries, he understands when he can push and how far, and I know when he needs a little more control or room. Time outs or taking away certain toys or privleges work the best for me. And we don't do an allowance, but if he washes dishes during the week and helps me gather and sort laundry, and of course keeps his room clean he gets five dollars to spend how he wants. He pretty much keeps his room neat on his own he and I are really alike in that aspect he likes things in their place, but if he spends all day building his trains up I am not going to make him take it down, that is alot of work. There is a lady at my work who has an 17yro boy who is always in trouble, his latest is getting arrested for pot...I can't belive that. And to make matters worse she thought two weeks is enough punishment. I mean this kid could very well go to jail. get kicked out of school, and loose his whole future and this is not the first time he has been caught with pot. I just don't get why they let it get this far, of course she and her husband are party people too, so I guess the apple has not fallen far from the tree. Anyway I am done venting.....take care mom, and I hope the new year brings you and yours many new adventures!!

posted by R on 12/30/2008

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