HAVE NOT FELT LIKE MYSELF LATELY!!!! -

HAVE NOT FELT LIKE MYSELF LATELY!!!!

Ok to start I must tell u that ever since my husband and I started dating, I have had issues with his sister. We are just one year in age apart, which you would think would make us have alot in common, but it doesnt at all!!!! In high school I had a serious boyfriend, but always knew there was a great big world out there that I wanted to explore, so I broke it off when I went to college. I come from a small town and like in most small towns girls foolishly tend to jump into marriage because they think that if they are not going to college that that is what u do. I was in 5 weddings before I went to college, and said no way am I ever getting married before I have lived my life. Only one of those marriages is still together now.

My sister in law was one of those girls. She got married right after she turned 19 to her highschool sweetheart, and they have struggled in their relatioship a lot, due to the fact that they married before they knew themselves as people. She had kids very young while attending college, which was the only time she and her husband moved away from their home town, and they moved back soon after. The thing is I cannot talk to her. She always acts as if I am strange for not getting married till I was 30, and she gives me these wicked looks when ever I talk about anything I did before I met her brother. Like flight attending, dating, and living by myself. She always says stuff like oh my I would never do that in a very judgemental way. Now I know I judge her for getting married so young, but I have never let that be known, in any way. I always congratulate her on 14 years of marriage, and I am overly nice, because we are stuck together, and what can u do.

Anyway, she and her husband and children were here all weekend, and she was looking through some of my old pictures of me and my friends in my 20s, and my flight attendant pics. I did not hand them over she found them in the guest room. She made strange comments, and commented on "how does my brother feel about u having pictures of x boyfriends under the bed." I wanted to slap her stupid looks off her face, cause he has Xs too, and neither of us give a crap. What bugs me is she is lacking so much life experience that I feel like I am talking to a 60 year old that married their highschool sweetheart and never left the small town. She is 33 and my friends my age older and younger act way less stiff and prissy than her, hell I have 43 year old friends that are way more with it.

She just says stuff all the time that sticks with me for weeks, and what I want to say is are u jealous that I had a life!!!! But I just smile and keep a tight lip, and that is what makes me crazy!!!

She doesnt even know me at all cause I only talk surface talk with her. If I tell her something about me she acts uninterested. I dont know what to talk about with her, and if I get nervous and start talking just to break the silence, it always comes out wrong and she is quick to jump on it. If I try to start a conversation it usually dies, cause she will just answer with a yes or no, and not add on once she has started her judgement. I know I should give up, but I have kept on trying, and now I just cant do it anymore.

The other problem is I have started to become annoyed with my husband because of it, and we are so tight, but I just cant talk to him about it anymore, and it has made me tense towards him too. He knows what a b.... his sister can be, he calls her an emotional robot, although I have never seen emotions, just the robot. He says she crys about something everytime he sees her, but I miss it cause I am always playing with her kids.

That is another thing she made a comment about my age and when I will have my 2nd child since I am 32 now and my son is 8 months old her kids are 10 and 7, so she thinks having kids at my age is odd since all of her friends had kids at the same time as her. One of my friends just had her first at 37!!!! She would say something rotten if I told her that like "she will be retired when they are in highschool" Thats what she said about my friend in her forties that just adopted a child, so I dont talk about that stuff when she is around I just tell my mother in law (who I LOVE) and she will say how wonderful, not something negative and rude.

Help me!!!! Why does she do this? I really do not think it is jealousy she really thinks her life is perfect, and everyone should have done what she did. Or at least she acts that way. She is still in that highschool mantality, cause she and her husband were cool in their town, and now still strut around like they are on a float in their little town parade. It is easy to be popular in a small town I know I come from a small town, but get out into the world, and it is a whole new ball game, but not if u never leave your small town for long.

I have to see her AGAIN this weekend, and I am so stressed!!! I just havent been myself, and cant be until I am away from her for a long time. Although I would love to see her kids more often, they are so fun.

Sincerely,

STRESSED

Written by STEPHANIE

Posted on 10/02/2007

See all posts by STEPHANIE

Answers:

Wow, sounds like your SIL is a peach. But I gotta say something. While I realize this probably wasn't your intention you sound like you don't agree with girls marrying at a young age. I totally agree with you, if it were any of my friends or my little sister. However, I met my husband the day I turned 18. (Yes the exact day.) And while I was always one of those girls that said that I would NEVER get married and have babies and that I wanted "more" of my life I soon found out that sometimes it's not exactly up to you. Four months after we met my hubby proposed and I said yes. A year and a half later we were married (I was 19) and last year we bought a home. This last March I gave birth to our daughter. And we are perfectly happy and suprisingly, so am I. I didn't know it but this is exactly what I wanted.

Okay, I just wanted to say that because not all girls that marry young are jumping into marriage. By the way, I'm from a small town too and know the girls you speak of.

Now that that's out of the way. You need to just smack that girl upside the head. I don't know where she gets off making judgements about other women. And I think you're wrong. I do think she is jealous. Her life may seem perfect and she may act like she thinks its perfect but I can almost guarantee its not. I know lots of girls like her. They want everyone to believe their life is great when just under the surface they are freaking out.

Why does she constantly talk negatively about people who don't do things like her?? Obviously she's completely insecure about herself is needs constant reassurance that she didn't rush in to marriage and babies and she probably regrets not living a little first. If I were you I'd just call her on it. Do it once and it will shut her up for forever. And oh well if you burn that bridge. That relationship isn't doing anything for you anyway. Would it really be that sad if she didn't talk to you any more?? Sure things may be tense in the family at first but why should you sacrifice you sanity??

And in the future I'd be on the look out for a midlife crisis from her. Especially if she's as unhappy as she sounds...

Good luck,
Ashley

posted by Ashley on 10/02/2007

THANKS 4 THE ADVICE.
AND I DID SOUND JUDGEY U ARE RIGHT I RE READ IT RECENTLY AFTER TIME HAS PASSED AND I HAVE SOME NEW FRIENDS THAT GOT MARRIED YOUNG THAT ARE NOT LIKE HER AT ALL, MORE LIKE YOURSELF, AND I DONT THINK THEY ARE WRONG 4 THEIR DECISION. I JUST GET BOTHERED BY HER BECAUSE SHE STILL ACTS LIKE THAT GIRL THAT THOUGHT SHE WAS ALL THAT IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND ACTUALLY SHE MAY BE THE QUEEN BE IN HER TOWN STILL, BUT SHE REMINDS ME SLIGHTLY OF THIS WITCH IN HIGH SCHOOL I KNEW, AND SHE IS STILL IN THE TOWN STRUTTING AROUND. OF COURSE MY SIS IN LAW HAS HER GOOD DAYS, WHICH THE WITCH NEVER DID.
I CONTINUE TO TRY TRY AND TRY AGAIN. I MEAN SHE WILL BE IN MY LIFE FOREVER, SO KILL HER WITH KINDNESS AND HOPE FOR A LITTLE IN RETURN IS THE BEST METHOD 4 NOW.
THANKS AGAIN, SORRY IF I OFFENDED U.
ALTHOUGH IF SHE CONTINUES TO BE SUPERIOR GIRL ON HER LITTLE HIGH SCHOOL FLOAT, I MAY TAKE YOUR ADVICE SOMEDAY AND JUST TELL HER OFF, THAT IS IF MY HUSBAND DOESNT BEAT ME TO IT. SHE HAS TICKED HIM OFF ALOT TOO. ;-)

posted by STEPHANIE on 11/02/2007

i too have a sister-in-law like that! however i am 24 and she is 22. she married her highschool sweetheart at 21. she went from her parents house to the house her husband bought right before their wedding. my husband (and i) and his family all live in the same small town. i met my husband while i was a flight attendant and he was in the army. he talked me into moving back to CA with him and at first it was okay. his sister and i got along, even though we don't have a whole lot in common. I left home (MN) when i was 20 and moved to hawaii, then took a transfer with my job to move to SC, then at 22 decided to become a flight attentdant.

things changed with my sister-in-law the day after my wedding. my husband and i had not yet left for our honeymoon and it was her bday. so we called to see if we could take her out to breaksfast. she said "no, i'm busy." that was months ago and she doesn't speak to my husband or my self. she did however email my husband telling him how much she doesn't like me and that she will tell everyone how she feels. so needless to say family fuctions are horrible!!! she is the kind of person that needs all the attention on her and now that i'm pregnant i think she hates me even more. this will be my in-law's first grandchild. she acts so inmature! my husband and her husband play on a softball league and she emailed my husband that if i came she would beat me up!! mind you, i am pregnant! and she even went as far as to call me a golddigging whore!!!! i can't stand living here, just a few blocks away from her. and the fact that i don't know anyone here because i have only lived here 5 months and am 41/2 months preggos and was VERY sick until week 14...

thanks for letting me vent and knowing that i'm not the only person with a sister-in-law that doesn't like me

posted by andrea on 11/02/2007

It sounds like your SIL is very jealous of you. She is insecure, and basically an unhappy person. If her marriage was so tight, joyous, great partnership, SIL would not feel threatened by what you have. SIL would feel secure in her own little house, with hubby and kids in tow. These SIL's have had their "brothers" attention, now they have been replaced by someone that is dear and personal to them-their wife which is you.

Stephanie, it is not working "killing with kindness". This girl is so tormented in her own skin, now is the time to confront her on some honest issues. Why should you be miserable because she is miserable? I would want to resolve it once and for all.

Andrea, I would keep the emails that she writes to your husband. Hopefully one day, when she is in a better mood, she will be able to explain why she wrote those vial emails.

PS: I got married at 26, had my first child at 28 and my second child at 38.

posted by esther on 11/04/2007

THANK YOU GUYS. I KNOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SOMEDAY. BUT YOUR ADVICE HAS REALLY HELPED ME. ANDREA I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. IT TOTALLY STINKS THAT YOUR SIL IS YOUNG AND TOTALLY IMMATURE! THAT IS AWFUL. I MAY ONE DAY HAVE A TALK WITH MY SIL, BUT 4 NOW I AM STILL EVALUATING. I NEED TO DIG DEEP AND REALLY UNDERSTAND HER BEFORE I TELL HER HOW SHE HAS MADE ME FEEL. SOMETIMES PEOPLE DONT EVEN REALIZE THEY ARE DOING ANYTHING WRONG, THEN THEY TURN ON U AND RESENT U FOR HAVING A CHAT ABOUT HOW U R FEELING. IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. EITHER THEY PLAY DUMB, OR ACT AS IF THEY ARE SHOCKED AND HURT. THEN THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT IT UP IS THE BAD GUY. I WILL TREAD LIGHTLY 4 NOW, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HER IN MY LIFE, AND I MAY HAVE TO JUST ACCEPT IT, OR FIGURE OUT A NICE WAY TO CONFRONT HER WITHOUT PLACING BLAME. I KNOW HOW DEFENSIVE SHE GETS WITH MY HUSBAND, AND I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT.

posted by STEPHANIE on 11/04/2007

hi.
I'm from SA. I did not expect that you have this in the us. How ever ; ignoring & doing what Mrs. Ashley wrote is the best soltion
good luck

posted by Haifa on 01/10/2008

In laws are tough sometimes and no matter how much you try, just because you love your husband does not mean you are going to love every member of his family like your own. This chic just sounds bitter and maybe not necessarily at you although she is taking it out on you at times. It sucks, but sometimes people are just MEAN...no reasoning behind it. It sounds like she says the things she does because she knows it will set you off and upset you and that's just mean. Don't give her anymore thought than that, she doesn't deserve it. As far as your hubby...it's just my opinion, but I have found that no matter how much your man may agree with you, it's a very fine line as to how much you can complain about the other women in his life (sisters and mom). My MIL makes me mental, I'll occasionally vent but I've learned when to back off. That's when i call my mom or sister and vent to them instead:)

Good Luck and just be you, don't let her effect you.

posted by Michelle on 01/10/2008

Ok, so this sounds like my family life as well with my in-laws(except I can't stand my MIL). My sister in law was ok with me for about 6 months of my husband and I being together, then she turned evil. This girl also acts like she is way better than me, and she is a couple of months younger than me. She is the little princess of the family. When I got pregnant, we were excited to tell his mom and sister about it, but when we told the comment was not excitement it was..."that's close to the wedding, she might not make it!" Totally ruined the excitement of the upcoming baby especially from a first time grandma. She wanted to tell me what to do for my wedding! Needless to say I understand what you are going through. I don't believe the kindness thing works, because I found out my in-laws just spoke badly of me behind my back. I currently haven't spoken with them in about 2 months, but when I do I am not fake. I don't act excited to see them or act like they are my best friend because I feel they should know how I truly feel. I am by no means nasty to them(to their face) but I don't glam it up and put on a show either. If they ask me something I give them a response and go on with whatever I was doing. It sounds mean, but kindness wasn't working. I hope this helps a little. You don't have to be nice, but you also don't have to be mean. Just be straightforward about the situation.

posted by Ashley on 01/12/2008

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