 |
|
| I can't live with my stepson anymore! |
| I wrote a while back. I have an 18yr stepson, that only came to live with us 2 yrs ago after Mom could no longer handle him. He is having sex w/ a 15 yr old girlfriend. We have taken his truck from him and made it impossible for him to see her, at least until she turns 16 in October. Florida law states 16 is the age of consent. He has become even more rebellious after we laid down the law about seeing this girl.
He will be a senior this coming year, so we really don't want to kick him out til he graduates----But, mom never encouraged school and we received notice he failed the FCAT and needed to go to summer school. We let him use the truck to go to classes. He went to girlfirends. Her parents approve. When we try to talk to him and tell him why he can't see her (it's the law) He tells us if he gets caught it will be his problem. The truck he drives is in our name.
He ran away this past weekend (is it running away at 18?) Called gf . Her Aunt (who she lives with) picked him up. He called his father Sunday needed a ride to work. Hubby went.
Today, we find out he took out a credit card with a $300.00 limit and maxed it out. he works part time as a busboy for minimum wage.
When his dad tried to talk to him he again says he doesn't wat to talk about it because we get mad at him. Duh!
I want him gone. He is a user. I don't think my sanity will take him another year. We went to a counselor two weeks ago. He said our options are to either tolerate him till he graduates or kick him out now. |
|
|
|
|
|
| |
| Answers: |
| |
I don't really have any quick fix advice, your stepson seems to be going through the transition from boyhood to manhood and this is never easy!
If he want to be threated as an adult, he should think like an adult and realize that every action has consequences.
Honestly I do not think you are going to be really succesfull at stopping him having sex (18 and hormons!!!) but you can try to interact with him more calmly and let him talk without automatically dismiss his argument.
What are really your option sending him back to a mother who clearly did not know how handle him!
If it was your son you would not have that option...if you hold on and let him know you care, you might be succesfull in the long run.
pia |
| posted by pia on 06/21/2007 |
 |
|
|
| |
Hi Kathy. Please don't take this as judgement or non-understanding. I don't live in your shoes. But I am a new mom. And one of my concerns is forgetting what it was like to be a teenager once my child reaching those years. I was one of those kids that fought daily with her parents, had a boyfriend which I was sleeping with at the age of 16. I was actually a good kid. The boyfriend and his family were someone who cared and understood me. I did not drink or drug, but I was still made to feel like I was a bad kid. One thing I remember is feeling like I couldn't talk to my parents without judgement and fights. It is such a differrent day and age now, but the feelings and pressures these kids have are the same. Now...I might change my mind when faced with reality, but I hope that I am able to leave those lines of communication open. Our children are going to make the same mistakes we did. They are going to have sex, they are going to experiment with alcohol and drugs. And the more we fight them on it the more they will push us away. I hope that if I talk to my children, understand and remember what it was like at their age, they might let me into their circle were I have a better chance of protecting them. Don't push him away. He has already been rejected by his mother. I can't imagine what that must feel like for him. No matter how much of a bad kid you might think he is, he deserves the care and nurturing that only parents can give.
Good luck to you! |
| posted by Cyndie on 06/22/2007 |
|
|
|
| |
I totally understand the situation! I am only 22 but lived a very hard life. My childhood was disturbing and i started drugs very young. I went throught the criminal system and finally, with the lords will, i got clean. I believe the only way to save yourself, others, and HIM is to be tough and pray constantly. call police as much as needed and be firm. even if it takes him being homeless. it's a harsh reality and a tough road but when he cleans up he WILL thank you for not taking his harmful ways. Realizing the reality of adult hood was a painful thing for me to get to but i thank the lord for the people who welcomed me back with open arms once i was ready to be trusted again. I have been clean for 5 yrs now. (1 of which was spent in a correctional facility) and it's all worth the road to being a responsiblle adult, hopefully you can reach him before you end up raising your grand child. Good Luck and i will pray for your family.
your not alone |
| posted by jennifer on 06/23/2007 |
|
|
|
| |
Thanks for all your input. This week end was horrible ending in my leaving the house after hitting this child and knowing I was out of control. After I left it escalated with him calling his mother and being verbal with her to the point she called the police and sent them to our home.
When the Deputy came, he explained to Daniel,the law about under age sex . The whole time Daniel rolled his eyes and interupted this man. The Deputy finally told my husband at the door, "You have a problem here".
Sunday, the Church message was not to give up even though all things point to you giving up.
We sent Daniel to his mother's last night for us all to calm down. We are working with his Mother and stepfather trying to get him under control. His mother called this morning to let us know he slipped out last night and spent the night with this little girl.
We are in constant prayer over this child and appreciate all prayers. Kathy |
| posted by Kathy on 06/25/2007 |
|
|
|
| |
| Just an idea. it might scare him. When he is gone pack all of his stuff up and put it on the front lawn. Take the truck keys from him. When he gets home and see all that he might just wake up and see how good he has it. |
| posted by Elizabeth on 08/29/2007 |
|
|
|
| |
Things have gone from bad to worse since I originally wrote. We did try and sit down with Daniel. We asked him what kind of rules was he looking for. He told us,
* No curfew
* Did not have to tell us where he was going or who he was with
* He would date who he wanted
* He would keep our cell phone in his room to talk on as he
pleased
So, We made him a renter. He now pays us rent (which covers his car insurance , health and dental ins, and food and electricity.
He gets:
No curfew, but our door closes at midnight, if your not home make arrangements to spend the night out.
He gets his own cell phone, bill included, and can keep it with him at all times. (first bill was $200)
If he wants to hang out with friends or date, go to their house, that way you don't have to introduce them to us.
He is responsible to pay his own bills (car and phone) has to buy stamps and envelopes.
He has to do his laundry, but we allow him to use the washer/dryer and cleaning supplies.
So far, he has broken curfew three times, each time breaking through the sliding glass doors(the locks are now toast)
The last time I caught him coming in I tols hi to leave for the night. He did. He slept in his truck in the driveway. We have since fixed the locks with door pins.
There have been two more blow ups between he and his father, he now has till the fifteenth of Sep to find a place to live. And he has. |
| posted by Kathy on 08/29/2007 |
|
|
|
| |
Hello I am a mom of 5 boys and yes they can be blinded from reality when a girl is in their life. My boys are 23, 21 (engaged at 17 1/2 for no reason), 20, 8, and 7. My advice to you and I hope it helps is that I know that you are frustraited but keep in mind you are his step mother and he is 18 no matter what he is going to do what ever he feels is right. When our kids turn 18 they think wow I am on my own now they don't think of reality. They think wow I can do what ever I want and I don't have to leisten to my parents any more. So my advice is let him do what he wants, his girlfriend is going to be 16 in October you said that is leagel where you live so they are not listening to what you or your husband have to say because they don't want to. You also said that her aunt and or parents don't have a problem with him coming around. Well if that is the case then maybe he should move in with them. You also said he has a job and a credit card bill if the bill is in his name then make hime work for it. When our kids turn of leagal age then our job as parents are to be there when they need us and be their friend the best way we know how and if it means useing tough love then thats what we need to do. We can't hold their hands forever and we shouldent eather. But we defenantly don't need them to walk all over us eather thats were the tough love comes in. If your stpson feels that he is man enough to work his job, pay for a credit card that he probly maxed out on her and handling a 16 year old girlfriend all on minimum wage then just step back and let him prove you right. Noticed I said let him prove you right? He will do one of 2 things. He will grow up and fast and thank you for making him grow up, or he will go his own way and you may see him once in a while or maby not at all for a while. But trust me he will wake up sooner or later and realize that you had to do what you had to do. Also I highly recommend that you tell him that if he can't listen to your hous rules and he is going to see his girlfriend against your wishes then he should move in with her and her aunt expecially when her aunt doesn't mind him being there. Your goal is to make hime see how hard it really is out ther and make him grow up on his own. As far as school goes if he hasen't had good schooling from the start now that he is 18 if you don't have to go to school after your 18 like it is here in California then he most likely won't go and finnish. That is one other thing that he will regret later. But you as a parent can't make that desission for him that is something that he has to figure for himself. I know it will be hard but believe me I have had to do it twice and it wasn't easy but now I have a great relationship with both of them because I did care and let them learn on their own. One of them is still learning but he still comes to me every now and then and say thank mom for helping me make that desission. So I hope what I have said will help please let me know how it goes. Remember you are the real adult here so don't let him take over. Good luck.
Your friend Noel. |
| posted by Noel on 08/29/2007 |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
