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| BIRTH OF A "NAG"....... A "MAN"-MADE PHENOMENON |
| BIRTH OF A “NAG”….A “MAN”-MADE PHENOMENON
I am reading this new book called “Blindsided By A Diaper”. It is a series of essays written by other parents and discussing the many ways children change your relationship with your spouse. First off, I have to say that it was refreshing to hear that other parents also go through difficult and somewhat painful experiences. Now, I am not just talking about colicky babies and sleepless nights. No, I mean the topics that the other moms avoid like the plague for fear of seeming a “bad mommy” or “bad wife” or ungrateful wife”. Things like role reversals, jealousy of a baby, unhappiness with the division of household responsibilities, the fear your spouse will be a lousy parent….you know …that scary thought in your head that just keeps returning like a bad nightmare. I could relate to a lot of the frustration, anger, love, and bewilderment discussed in these pages. And yes, also to the unfathomable love we feel for these squalling and tireless bundles of joy. But that is not what I want to talk about today. There is a chapter in the book “how I became a nag” by Pamela Kruger and this is where my yellow brick road hits a concrete post ….
My journey to marital bliss hit’s a snag every time on this topic..over and over and over. I ask my husband to do something around the house and he says ok and two days later it still isn’t done and I start to fume and think “do I have to do everything myself around here”.(type A personality , ok I admit it) It feels like I manage EVERYTHING for him, all he has to do is go to work. I do the shopping, cooking, bathing, feeding, bottles, laundry, cleaning, errands, bills, …well you get the drift. On my bad days, I look at him and think ..all you have to do is get dressed, put in your 8-10hr day, come home and go to bed. Maybe watch the kids for 30mins so I can shower….FINALLY. Well, my day at times seems never-ending and I long for those hour long lunches I used to take at work. Even the time spent driving TO/FROM work would at least be time spent alone. I love my children but out of all the changes they have wrought in my life, the lack of quiet, alone time tops the list.
On the good days, I think wow, this man loves me enough to go out there everyday and provide for all of us so I can stay home and raise our children the way we want them to be raised up. And...wait a minute, the topic today is nagging not "you stay home all day, you have plenty of time". Maybe we'll do that one next, LOL. But, back to the nag issue, .. I read the following paragraph and thought “oh my gosh she’s talking about us!”
“We’re called nags when we ask a man to do something and he doesn’t do it(either because he doesn’t feel like it, or he doesn’t think it’s important). So we are put in the position of having to ask again and again. By calling us nags, they relieve themselves of the RESPONSIBILITY of doing something they don’t want to do. It makes us the bad guy!” (pg 153) Ladies, don't you often feel that you are RIGHT(i know, there is not supposed to be right/wrong in a marriage mostly but let's face it ...there is and I am always right, LOL) when you ask DH to do something and days go by and he doesn't do it. So you as again and still...then he gets mad at you for nagging and next thing you know you feel guilty for ever asking in the first place!!
It also makes us like a “mommy figure” to them. My husband has told me on more than one occasion that he does NOT need a mother as he already has one thank you very much. Ms Kruger says “Men want to turn us into these mommies who take care of everything, people we desperately don’t want to be” . Now my husband would deny that to his dying breath. In his version, I should do it all because I “stay home and don’t go to work”. I am pulling my hair out reading what I just wrote!! Honestly, I do not think he believes this 100% of the time…..I think he chooses the most opportune time (for him) to believe it because then he feels he is not responsible for helping out when he does not feel like it or is too tired. I say “ who takes care of things when I am too tired?!!”
Ms Kruger also says (paraphrased) that we sometimes look at husbands as father figures -wanting them to take care of us so we don’t have all the responsibility and worry on ourselves. Being a parent does bring about a lot of worry and responsibility and let’s face it , it would help our stress as mothers if we felt confident that our men would remember things like taking the diaper bag with them when they leave with the kids for 3-4hours. Anyone, with me on this one???
The last thing that resonated with me on the whole “nag” issue was when she quoted another book (You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen) which stated that men just DON’T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO , especially by women.
“A man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it.”
She put into words what I have not been able to after 3years of living with my DH. I kind of figured out this part of the male psyche on my own, and I try to avoid nagging about something important I have asked him to take care of. OHHHHHH but wait! When he forgets to do this important something, what does he tell me? “Why didn’t you remind me?!!” Now isn’t it funny how in this circumstance, “NAG” gets changed to “REMIND”?
In the end, I guess it all boils down to how well the two of you communicate about the issues you face as a couple. My DH and I will get it down pat, but we might be well into retirement age by then, LOL………. |
| See also: husbands, nagging, blindsided by a diaper, moms |
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Maybe this should be a "required" babyshower present, at least expecting moms will stop thinking that everything is going to be so perfect and they start preparing for reality!
It might help...
Thank you Andrea for the great review,
Vero |
| posted by Vero on 06/19/2007 |
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I have to agree, sometimes everything seems so sugar coated, but I think that men should have this as required reading in order even the playing field. I think it all goes back to whether or not we are understanding our spouses. At time this is hard and we all need to take a step back and realize that both places in the relationship are hard. It is always a compromise, though unfortunately sometimes it feels like one party or the other is giving a little too much and losing a little to much of themselves in the process. I have to agree with Andrea at this particular juncture in our marriages it is all about the communication. Remembering that that small momet of time that you can communicate, you need to be doing just that even if you feel like just vegging out. Thank you Andrea for your insight and I will definitely have to get a copy of this book to read, it's sound good.
Nicole |
| posted by on 06/19/2007 |
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| Wow I think it is so funny that you say most moms don't want to talk about it. I was reading this thinking to myself wow I kind of feel sorry for Andrea. Then I think to myself no I am one of those moms that doesn't want to admit anything is wrong because I am worried about being judged as a bad wife or mother. In all reality we all have horrible thoughts going through our heads and we all have problems. I love that you were able to post this. Where do I get this book? |
| posted by Toni on 06/20/2007 |
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My husband is a good husband and I love him very much. I was not saying we are miserable or anything, but that sometimes communications between a husband and wife really changes after baby comes. You throw in new baby to care for, NO SLEEP, staying in the house a lot, stress for the man to provide if you are sahm, and a host of other stressors for you both and it can become hard to keep your perspective sometimes.
When i am really feeling underappreciated or negative about things, i try to take a step back. I have learned that often times he is feeling the same thing from me. I think it is so true that if you want to change behavior in someone else that it starts with YOU. YOU HAVE TO GIVE WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO RECEIVE . It is hard to do at times when your feelings may be hurt, but it is necessary to keep you both happy and it will come back to you in spades.
The book just came out in stores i believe. |
| posted by Andrea R. on 06/20/2007 |
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| I just love this blog my hat is off to you and to other moms that can speak up like this. Every couple fights and tiffs but not every coulpe is brave enough to admit it. I think that your blog has let me kind of loosen up and not be afraid to tell people that we also have our issues. Thank you. |
| posted by Toni on 06/20/2007 |
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Wow, I just finished reading the book - Blindsided by a diaper. I LOVED the Book.Silly me, thought it would be a comedy. That wasn't the case. I enjoyed reading the book and found myself in the stories that were scripted thru out the pages.
I got married when I was 26, and had my first child at 28. I was a Doctor's wife. Once the baby came, I earned all these titles: a stay at home home, house cleaner, nanny, cook, errand girl, accountant and manager. Rewarding jobs without pay or sleep and don't forget standing on your feet.
I found myself on page 150; "I know I am repeating myself, but right now, I am like a dog with a bone-I can't give up. I start talking over my husband, who is saying he is overworked, he just forgot. He says I'm acting as though he does nothing in this house, and why am I making such a big deal of this, he is going to do it tomorrow!".
This was so typical in our marriage. I couldn't understand why I could be multi task and he could not. Why he could go to work, leave me with everything, and if I peeped one word of how I had the raw end of the stick, it turned into a confrontation of the worst kind.
He would come home tired and exhausted, and just want to crash. I couldn't understand how difficult it was for him. I guess listening to people's complaints and health ailments takes a toll on you after a while and when you come home, you just don't want to hear it coming from your spouse.
By the time our second child was born, 10years later. There was no more "nagging". He stepped right up to the plate. Our daughter was born pre-mature and was in ICU for 2 weeks. My husband found someone to pick up my son from school and take care of him, until he got home. He cleaned, cooked, hired a housekeeper, and made sure my son's had clean school clothes and a fresh lunch. I stayed with the baby in the hospital, until she was ready to come home.
Communication is important. I learned not to "nag", but ask if he could do something for me. We have this pattern now, where if I or him want one of us to do something, we write it down and tape to garage door entering the home, or tape it next to the kitchen phone.
I recommend this book to anyone who has a child, new moms especially. It is a true eye opener to the world of "mommyhood".
It was a reprieve for me to see that I was not the only one in this situation. It happens to everyone at one point or another. "Nagging" is good, only to be told to your very best friend, who can be impartial to the whole situation.
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| posted by esther on 07/07/2007 |
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